So hard to keep it to myself…
Some of the team is poking fun because I don’t come around much since meeting my boyfriend… I understand that. But constantly picking on me when I’m not the only one who doesn’t come around often is really starting to wear on me. Maybe I’m just being a baby, but I feel alienated. It doesn’t help that I stopped drinking this year, so I don’t go out with everyone after practice anymore either. School takes up time, especially recently due to finals. I feel like I can’t vent to any of my team members because none of them seem to care, it’s all derby or die for them. Save my captain…she’s pretty much the only person that I’ve been able to talk to about anything that’s been going on with me. I don’t like complaining to my bf all the time because I want him to like them and be okay hanging out with them, rather than viewing them as the bitches that keep putting his girlfriend down for spending time with him or getting her homework done. But it’s hard because he doesn’t drink either, and almost EVERYTHING in derby revolves around alcohol. I get really irritated with drunk people if I’m sober, so I prefer to just stay away. And I have to say…my team is known for being crazy drunks. I don’t want him to view them like that. They may not care, but I do. Today when I said that I’m not going to be on the float trip because the boyfriend is taking me on a trip for my birthday, they start talking about wanting to hip check him… Okay, whatever, but then one of the coaches basically said he wants to punch him… I’m doing my best to take it all as jokes, but when they’re saying these things about someone that I care for A LOT, it cuts pretty deep and makes it hard for me to just brush it off. Especially when they start reacting this way over a fucking FLOAT TRIP. Then one says something about me being late for set-up on game day because I was having sex? Too far. Especially since I’ve never been late to anything for that reason. The first time I wasn’t on time, it was because I needed to eat. Second time was because I failed to realize how long it would take me to clean my gear. It hurts so much that any of them would even think that of me. I hate whining in situations like this and I’m sure some of my reaction is just because I’m stressed from school, but the comments are really starting to hurt my feelings. This is probably going to be my last season for a year or so because of school too; all of the classes that I have left are night classes, making it impossible for me to make attendance. If they can’t be even a little bit understanding of me having to miss some nights because of tests and projects, what am I supposed to expect from them when I reveal that I’m leaving at the end of this season?… They’ve been mostly kind and understanding to others, but they also didn’t give those people a bunch of shit for missing practices beforehand. I don’t understand where it’s coming from, why I seem to be the only one getting called out constantly. Usually when I encounter people who never seem to have anything nice to say, I avoid and/or ignore them. But this is my TEAM. That’s not an option. I want to just not worry about it, but when it starts wearing on me the way it is…I don’t know what to do other than just keep my head down and plug away, and let them trash talk all they want and drive a wedge between us. I want to say something, but I feel like anything I could say would just be brushed off and rebutted with their opinion that I don’t act like I want to be a part of the team anymore. I do, but to be honest, who wants to be on a team that talks to them the way I’m talked to lately?
Totally forgot how much I fucking love 311. Something about that band and summertime just goes perfectly together. <3
Oy…
And I thought I was bad about reading too far into things.
I adore my boyfriend…I adore my boyfriend… I adore my boyfriend… I adore my boyfriend…
I really do. Like, really really really do. But right this second he is driving me up the danged wall!
So odd…
It’s been a long time since I’ve really liked somebody like this. I’ve gotten a little excited about the potential for a couple of people, but this is different. This is a genuine liking, as in I actually might be interested in having a real relationship with this person… I haven’t felt that since my last “serious” relationship dumped me like a dead body in a river. Yes, it was that nasty. Scarred me pretty bad emotionally, and left me relatively unable to connect with anyone for the past couple of years. Whether I was truly unable to mentally, or just didn’t want to…well that is debatable. I imagine it’s been a mixture of both. Going into it I figured I would just hang out with this guy a little, probably sleep with him, and be done with it. Instead, I now find myself interested in really getting to know him, knowing his family, having him meet my family, I want to do things with him that don’t involve sex.
It’s fucking scary, dudes. I feel so vulnerable. Initially I’d made it clear that I didn’t want a relationship due to not knowing where I will be about a year from now. The second weekend we hung out, he asked me what I was wanting from “this.” I didn’t really know…I still don’t. Sometimes I get the feeling that he wants an actual relationship, other times it seems like he wants to keep it casual. Really, it’s like he’s in the same spot that I am; not really sure what the fuck is going on. All I hope is that neither of us gets hurt. If anyone does it will likely be me, I feel like I’ve already started to get attached to the idea of being with him in some capacity. I’m ok with that. He has his shit pretty well figured out, whereas I’m only about halfway there, so it would make sense for him to want someone a little more “with it.”
We’ll just have to see. I’m doing my best to just go with the flow right now. I’m not going to push for anything, because I’m still not 100% sure that I really want anything… We’ve connected in a crazy way, but we still haven’t known each other for very long, and that sort of situation is exactly how it was with that last “serious” relationship. And I am not keen on repeating the tragedy that went along with THAT. So, I’m just going to let the days turn into weeks turn into months, and just see where time takes it all.
Although I would really love for this to stick for a while, because he is really, really awesome.
Maybe if we all walked around in heels doing lunges all night we’d have those legs.
How? I mean, why? What in the hell did they DO to get those genes? IT’S NOT FAIR
I disagree a lot with this…if you look at her arms, Jolie needs to fucking eat something. I don’t find her attractive at all anymore. Everything about her is way too skinny now. I have curves and muscle and am fucking proud to not look the way she does. I don’t look like someone would snap me in two if they hugged me or fucked me too hard.
Me-oh-my!
ahem.
OH. This. This is the kind of ring I want some day for my engagement ring… Beautiful, beautiful vintage-looking. I wonder if this one has a story. It looks like the receiver was either proposed to or married on December 19, probably in 1924.
oh. my. god.
This is what my future children will look like. At least, in a world where I have boat loads of money. In reality, my children will probably not dress anywhere near this well until they are more or less done growing, because I am not going to spend a crap ton of money on something that they will wear for MAYBE a year…lol.
I hate surprises…
…or rather, I hate it when I get the idea to do a really great surprise for someone else, but it’s going to take several days to pull it all together. Why do I hate it so much, you might ask? Because now I’m left here stewing in my excitement, struggling against every part of myself to NOT tell the person what I’m doing! I can’t even hint at it, for fear that they will either know what I’m up to, or pester me with questions about it!!!
Two peeves…
1. When people can’t mind their own fucking business, and feel it necessary to always have their nose in mine.
2. Passive-aggressive bullshit. If you have something to say to me, then say it to my face. The reaction may not be pretty, but at least you won’t look like a complete tool for not having a fucking backbone.
Ugh….I know that I am not perfect, I have done this shit to others, but goddamn at least I try to keep myself in check and not pull this sort of high school assfuckery.
Just got a GIANT chuckle out of this… The guy that I’ve been semi-talking to for a couple of weeks is always talking about my rear counterpart in these terms… very cute. :)
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